Please Do Not Feed the Fears

APRIL 15, 2012

(I wrote this while waiting to see if Congress would let the government shut down)

How not to panic in these days when a mere troubled thought can wipe out your retirement savings and your civil rights.

Although the risk of an encounter with a fear is low, it is increasing steadily as the 2012 election season approaches. There are no guarantees of your safety. Minimize your risks by following the guidelines below:

Fears are unpredictable and dangerous. Keep a safe distance. Each year too many people are harmed by fears when approaching too closely. Approaching on foot within 100 yards of fears is not advised.

Use binoculars for safe viewing of fears, and to avoid disturbing them. You will see more of the fear’s natural behavior and activity. If you cause fear to move, you are too close.

Make fears aware of your presence on trails by making loud noises such as shouting or singing. The more whimsical may enjoy wearing Fear Bells, so the fears hear you coming. This lessens the chance of sudden encounters, which are the cause of most fear-caused human injuries.

Travel in groups of like-minded friends, and use caution where vision is obstructed.

Be especially careful of fears after dark. They love to get their teeth in a good night’s sleep. Especially before bedtime, it is wise to avoid carcasses such as Fox News; fears often feed on and defend this putrid source of food.

If you encounter a fear, do not run. Fears can run over 44 feet per second, faster than Olympic sprinters. Running may elicit an attack from otherwise non-aggressive fears. If the fear is unaware of you, detour away from it. If the fear is aware of you and nearby, but has not acted aggressively, slowly back away.

Tree climbing to avoid fears is popular but not very practical advice in many circumstances. All fears can climb trees. Running to a tree may provoke an otherwise uncertain fear to chase you.

Avoid areas that have obvious evidence of recent fear activity such as inflaming, digging in, or scat.

Allowing a fear to feast on a human, even once, often results in the fear becoming aggressive about obtaining more humans in the future. Aggressive fears must eventually be destroyed or removed from areas of human habitation.

Women can be especially attractive to fears at certain times of the month. Take advantage of the unusual intensity you have, and protect yourself fiercely. You are at the peak of power. Unleash the magic.

Some fears will bluff their way out of a threatening situation by charging, then veering off or stopping abruptly at the last second. Fear experts generally recommend standing still until the fear stops and then slowly backing away. If a fear makes physical contact, drop to the ground, lie face down, and clasp your hands behind your neck. It may take all the courage you have, but lie still and remain silent.

Resistance will only provoke the fear. Before moving, listen and look around carefully to make sure the fear is no longer nearby.

Remember, only you can stop the spread of out of control fear !!